I don’t know if this is autistic, or,neurotic, I only know I like certain patterns and feel tension and anger building up inside me, when I can’t have it that way:

-I want to get up early, before 8, preferably, if I don’t I start the day feeling tired and guilty. The tiredness could be explained by dehydration, the longer you sleep, the longer you go without water

-not being in full control of what sort of food we have in the house. At the moment almost everything I eat is packed with sugar and I hate sugar, really hate it. And I hate that it’s almost everywhere

-I find it hard to start reading a book and then not read it till the end, even if the book sucks big time. I really feel like a catholic swallowing a birth control pill everytime I toss a book aside without reading it till the end

-I feel restless if I don’t go running, but I also feel restless from the moment I stop learning or writing. I sometimes solve this by picturing a complicated game in my head while running and finding solutions for it

-I can keep playing strategy games over and over again by inventing challenges in the game. Like for example, seeing if I can win with the Confederate army when I appoint the most stupid secretary of war and make sure 4 out of the 11 Confederacy don’t join the confederacy but stay in the Union. Oh, man, I have quite likely lost entire years of my life playing something like 5 different video games over and over and over and over again

-social contact exhausts me, because I plan everything I say way in advance and consciously produce facial expressions, though it’s possible I can be spontaneous when excited or in a joking mood

-when I come into contact with a language, even rather briefly, I immediately feel guilty if I don’t make sure I become fluent in that language, even though I know this is usually a total waste of time, economically speaking. I really have to force myself to stop learning new languages since I have no idea how to turn the languages I know into something that makes me money. As part of this year of self improvement I am forcing myself to stop this. Though it’s tempting to learn a couple more. But what would be the fucking point? Also: this whole ‘problem’ in itself looks very autistic

-this entire blog is autistic

-I know nobody who dissects himself so obsessively and brutally, and again: to no apparent point

-I have an autistic approach to seducing girls. It works in some settings, but it’s hardly seduction, it’s like I’m preparing to invade a small country, there’s almost nothing natural about it, it’s autistic, though I have a very genuine and deep emotional reaction to beautiful women, something I fail to put in words, which annoys me

-I find topics seemingly at random and then study all about this or that topic to no apparent purpose. This looks highly autistic to me. Do not get me started on Albert Speer, The Confederacy, green tea, women, the eastern front, The Beatles, Kurt Cobain, coffee, economics, fake evidence for ancient aliens, etc.

-I will often become entirely lost in my own thoughts, which my wife finds either mildly cute or extremely annoying, usually the latter

-I will start wearing a certain kind of pants and then I will only wear that kind of pants, until I stop, usually because circumstances force me, and then only wear a different kind of pants. I have this food as well. I’ll either eat nothing but yoghurt and then suddenly stop and eat nothing but eggs. I’ve never seen this as weird, but my wife pointed this pattern out to me. I would love to have 50 times the same Tshirt, 50 times the same pair of shoes and 50 times the same pants. I would like to have the same breakfast every day. And so on.

So why am I rambling on about this? Because I want to be aware of it. I didn’t know that it’s my autistic patterns that make me feel comfortable and I want to keep the healthy and practical ones and replace the sabotaging ones with more useful ones. I also want to use autistic fascination with a topic more consciously and no longer let topics drift toward me at random. It would be more lucrative to get to know everything about buying commodities for example.

I do apologize for boring you with this egocentric shit. If you guys would like to suggest a topic you would like me to write about, please let me know.