How to stop spreading yourself thin?

Been reading about Palestine in German. It serves several purposes, keeping my German on a high level, knowing still more about Palestine-Israel and quieting my overheated, traumatized mind.

The book is outstanding. Without drowning the reader in too many details it presents everything and everyone that’s essential to know in the context of Palestine-Israel, especially on the Palestinian side. It’s true to its title. ‘Palestine and the Palestinians, a history from the Naqba till today.’

It may be exhausting and boring to hear about a person’s non-stop attempts to create a role for himself in the world and not be miserably dissapointed in one’s own self. If I list too often in what way am efforting, it’s out of a life-long fear of not being good or effective enough.

Am wearing a T-shirt with Armstrong ‘Autie’ Custer printed on it. I wear it so often I have the same T-shirt twice. This man has influenced me before the time I could read. This is going to sound crazy, but even as a small kid I thought: I have certain talents, but if am not careful am going to overplay my own hand and willingly ride into a maelstrom and die. I’ve accepted that this cannot attract more than 5 or 6 readers.

I find myself drawn to writing some kind of fantasy novel, even though I don’t read fantasy novels, whenever I pick one up I think I should be writing one myself. It could be double the fun.

I could invest time in writing one more time about my childhood in suicide/love filled village. An idea I got from people at the ayahuasca weekend. While tripping I saw the title ‘Between love and horror.’

Joe and Marianne, and some female students a few years ago, have told me my writing about women stands out among all the rest. So I could be writing more about women. Or women could play a strong role in that fantasy novel. I started one 9 years ago. Zuzi’s father was impressed by it. It wasn’t fantasy yet, it was the American Civil War set in world that’s not our own. Alternative history set in an alternative world. I may have lost the few pages I had.

Yesterday I came to see the suicide reflex in our family as a nuclear option. The last thing to resort to re-establish control. Control is a big factor in my life. Zuzi once noticed that I feel very stressed in shops and don’t feel stress performing on a stage, because in someone else’s shop I don’t feel in control, but on stage in front of an audience or in front of a classroom and other such situations I do feel in control. So when things are slipping away and I don’t see a way to influence things suicide starts looking like the ultimate way to regain back power over my life.

So if Israel has the Samson option, I have the Samson option too.

Do Israel’s toxic actions trigger me so much, because I am like Israel?

A friend of my likes Africa very much and would like to have some development project there and while he was talking about it I suddenly felt the urge to ask: Are you Africa?

To my surprise he contemplated his answer for a long time and then concluded that yes, there had been many times in his life he felt treated like the way Africa has been treated.

Maybe there is nothing we do that can’t be traced back to our own highly individual story.

I support Palestine cause I see my and my father’s struggle in it. I bash Israel, because am shocked by my own potential to act like Israel. That’s not all that’s going on, but am sure it’s part of it.

It’s driving me mad that I can’t stop writing stuff I know won’t be interesting to more than 5 or maximum 10 people. So am so self-obsessed my focus goes into writing about myself and not, or barely, into  writing stories that could appeal to a much wider audience.

If my writing career never really took off, my own actions are to blame. Same for my father’s writing career, even though he had unmistakable talent, especially for writing comedy.

I have the classic fear of putting my heart and soul into something and reaping no results, which stops my from putting my heart and soul into something and I get no results.

What I do is very self-indulgent.

I know I haven’t answered the question in the title.