1. Thou shalt worship the loudest, tallest, most well groomed self-serving narcissist who gives you the illusion that you matter if you are part of his tribe

2. Thou shalt lose thine bowel contents over some commercial gone tsk tsk wrong or over some comedian saying the thing you secretly also think or over the skin color of a fictional mermaid. Thou shalt keep the contents of thine bowels safely tucked inside thine fleshy sack when it comes to any form of suffering on a mass scale, the opioid crises, homeless people, a genocide here and there

3. Thou shalt go on a cooler holiday than your colleagues and strive to drive a fancier four wheeled ego crutch

4. Thou shalt tear up when a dog you’ve never met dies and look away when a child is turned into a sieve in a car full of dead relatives

5. Thou shalt never look vulnerable, thou shalt look unfazed at all times, like the tough talking leaders you so desperately need to have a sense of direction in life

6. Thou shalt cherry pick the instaggramable goodies and practices of the culture of brown people and pay them millions to kick a ball, but try to keep them out of your country

7. Thou shalt swoon when a billionaire opens his, sometimes her, mouth, go see movies of billionaires falling in love with atypical, shy, introverted, anxious damsels and remind people around you that money is not the most important thing to you

8. Thou shalt not be able to ignore articles and videos on how to lose belly fat

9. Thou shalt very, very, very much judge a book by the cover

10. Thou shalt be louder and as superficial as possible in your comments on issues you don’t want to even read half a serious book on

11. Thou shalt pick the sixpack abs in 5 just minutes a day and the fluent in x language in 2 minutes per day over the long and tedious process that actually works

12. Thou shalt always be tricked into believing you got more than you paid for