Discussing Palestine can blow up your marriage
1.
‘What do you expect Israel to do? Nothing?, yells her husband.
Linda sighs and says: ‘Why is everything black and white with you? I didn’t say they should do nothing, did I?’
‘Ok, so what should they do then? Send Hamas a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates?’
‘Don’t try being funny, it’s not your forte. What they should have done is negotiate.’
‘And reward terrorism?’
‘The end of violence is a reward for both sides!’
‘You can’t make peace with jihadists. They want to kill everyone. Haven’t you read their charter?’
‘Have you read their charter?’
‘No, but I know what’s in there!’
‘How do you know?’
‘Everybody knows. Everyone on television says it.’
‘When people on television say most migrants have jobs and actually work hard, you say it’s propaganda and switch off the TV.’
‘That’s different.’
‘Yes, the people in suits on TV are right when they agree with me.’
‘Why do you need to bring this up anyway? You don’t know any Palestinians.’
‘Neither do you, so why do you care?’
‘Because Hamas could come to our country and kill us too, that’s why. They are the same as ISIS.’
‘They are in no way the same as ISIS. They don’t operate in the same region, don’t cooperate, they would probably attack each other if they were dropped into the same area.’
‘Well, there you see, they’re all murdering lunatics. Those kids you cry over learn nothing else in school than how glorious it is to kill Jews.’
‘How would you know? Did you go to school there?’
‘It’s on every political talk show!’
‘You only watch clips of those talk shows, you have never once sat down to watch a 45 minute talk on anything except when it’s about the new Tesla.’
‘Those clips give you the most important points! Am not going to sit around and fry my brain with hours of propaganda.’
‘Why is what I watch and read propaganda and what you watch are pure facts?’
‘Linda, seriously, can you let this go and come to bed so we can have sex finally?’
‘You’re joking, right? Do you have any idea how angry I am you can be so apathetic when kids are being bombed? Do you wanna see the video I have just watched? A kid with its butt burned off!!’
‘That’s Pallywood! Oh dear lord, I married a terrorist!’
Linda and Mark have been married for 9 years. She’s a HR manager at a small IT company and he is an accountant. Her hobbies are learning Italian, her Pilates class, cycling, reading novels, watching series and any reality TV show involving relationships. That includes Temptation Island.
Mark likes mountain climbing, taking care of his car and playing a 3d shooter game online with a guy he went to school with. He also claims to be a coffee and rum connoisseur, but Linda’s nose curls upwards when he tells people that. Her nose always does that when she feels someone is being a snob.
2.
‘So tell me again, who are you meeting tonight?’
‘That guy who knows a lot about Palestine.’
‘Oh, right, that guy who teaches our youth to build road side bombs. So you’re going to go get drunk and sing From the river to the deep blue sea?’
‘It’s just sea and not deep blue sea. And we’re only going for tea with two other people who protest the genocide.’
‘So not even any alcohol. It’s boring being Pro Palestine and protest a non-existing genocide with all those teetotaler Muslims.’
‘He’s Jewish.’
‘Ah, you have found a self-hating Jew. You get extra points for that.’
‘Mark, he doesn’t hate himself. He just doesn’t like kids being killed in his name.’
‘Is he handsome? Should I worry?’
‘For God’s sake, Mark, he’s ten years younger than me.’
‘A child terrorist’
‘Not everyone who disagrees with you is a terrorist, Mark.’
Linda often texts with a young man she’s met at a pro-Palestine march. His name is Allan and he is Jewish. She asked if he was named after Woody Allen, but he said he’s named after Edgar Allan Poe. She apologized for asking, but he shrugged and said he gets that question a lot.
Allan teaches primary school. When he told her that he joked and said: ‘Now I have ruined my chances of going out on a date, haven’t I?’
He thinks women are only into money these days. Or at least he’s been getting that impression lately. It’s the only thing about Allan that bothers Linda a bit.
She said: ‘No not at all, it’s so important that you do that. I think most teachers in primary school are women. They must be happy to have you.’
‘Ehm, I don’t think so. I wear my Palestinian scarf to work. I think they see me as a hazard and a potential liability.’
‘Scarfs never killed anyone.’
‘So if your guy doesn’t need to drive a Maserati we can go on a date?’
‘My husband drives a Tesla and he’s obsessed with it.’
‘Ah, you’re married.’
‘Yup.’
She held up her hand and made a guilty face as if she was admitting to something shameful she’d done. Allan had long blonde hair, had a tan and looked at her like she was ice cream on a hot summer’s day.
She was inwardly fervently praying something would come up so they could add each other on social media without her asking. She didn’t need to wait long.
‘So do you have Instagram? Us Pro-Palestinian muhajdeen should band together, no?’
She wasn’t sure what muhajdeen meant and made a mental note to look it up later.
She shared her insta name, La_donna_perdita_007
He added her and they’ve been in touch ever since. Usually sharing and discussing discussions on Youtube, exchanging books tips. 80 percent of their talks are about Palestine and Israel and other contemporary issues, but sometimes he asks her personal questions, and if she is completely honest, she rather enjoys that.
3.
‘Savour your tea and your antisemitism then, I guess’, says Mark.
‘Am meeting a Jew. How could that be anti-semitism?’
‘I think you Pro-Palestinians love those few Jews who agree with you, ‘cause you think it’s your ultimate proof that you don’t hate all the others.’
‘Like Israel has a 20 percent Arab population to claim it’s not racist?’
She gave her husband a kiss on the cheek and reminded him of the food she’d prepared for him. He only had to warm it up.
She always cooked his favorite food when she felt guilty about something, but Mark didn’t know that.
When she was leaving he said: ‘I know you’re nervous, because you think those people you’re meeting know more about the conflict than you do, but you shouldn’t be nervous. Ask them a lot of questions and double check everything they say.’
‘Yes, question everything’, she said, and out the door she went.
4.
The four protesters, Allan, Linda and two others agree on making a banner. They agree on ‘From the R word to the S word. Opposing genocide is not anti-semitism.’
It’s not quite as catchy as Linda was hoping for, but she likes the message. They will meet on Saturday morning to make it and will then carry it at the protest in the afternoon. The four part ways at the entrance to the tearoom, ‘Zen sips’.
When Linda turns to head home, feeling rather depressed and futile, she hears Allan call out: ‘And now some wine sips?’
So now they are in a basement of an old merchant’s house called ‘Cave des faunes’ pouring fermented grape juice from a Bulgarian bottle labelled ‘Boyar’. Relatively cheap wine that goes down like lemonade. Especially on a hot spring day.
Allan asks how she met her husband. She feels disappointed by the question, because the wine is making her flirtatious – she’s already touched his biceps five times, lingering a little longer each time – and nothing kills the butterflies faster than bringing up her husband.
‘We met in college’, she says. She tries changing the subject by asking how Allan discovered ‘Cave des faunes’, but he doesn’t bite and asks what attracted her to him.
‘At first not much, but he was quite persistent and kept asking me to go bowling with him and his buddies, drink beer and eat burgers after.’
‘A true romantic.’
‘He was quite charming. He was always in a good mood. Am a bit more the melancholic type. I thought he was a real optimist, but now, I don’t know, I fear only a very selfish person can always be cheerful in this world.’
‘Is he very selfish?’
‘I don’t know. The weird thing is that if you spend a lot of time with someone you kinda become blind to who they are. And all kinds of little frustrations stop you from making an objective assessment. Am sure I get on his nerves too.’
‘What kind of frustrations? You mean sexually?’
‘Damn, boy, you are blunt. But yes, that too, I guess.’
She felt like she wanted to jump into her glass of wine and be swallowed up by the burgundy liquid.
‘What? Right now I can’t read your face.’
‘And at other times you can?’
He didn’t answer that and the silence made her nervous, so she said: ‘It’s just weird, you asking about my husband, and me complaining about him, it feels a little wrong, is all.’
‘Wrong in what way?’
‘Is this a therapy session? Will you send me an invoice?’
‘Am just curious about you, that’s all. Would be weirder to pretend you don’t have a husband, right?’
Her flirtatious mood lay trampled on the ground.
‘Well, yes, I do have a husband and not everything is perfect. Like any other marriage. A marriage is a problem two people agree to deal with, a problem they could have avoided by not getting married.’
‘That’s a rather depressing view of marriage. Do you really mean that?’
‘Sometimes I do, yes.’
‘When?’
‘For example, when he finds it perfectly logical that Israel slaughters thousands of kids and doesn’t even bother to learn more about what is really going on there. The arrogance, the laziness, the moral cowardice, the gigantic ego. Weaseling out of having to care about human suffering. I mean, if, let’s say, he knew the neighbors were beating their kid, he’d be the first to call child protective service, but when it comes to Gaza, it’s too much, it’s too far away, too abstract and the media and Israel and the US give him easy excuses to let go of it, to not feel it, to not be affected.’
‘Have you told him that?’
‘Yes, but less harshly. Had no effect. It’s too important for him to throw up a barrier between him and that horror. He can accept Israel’s reasoning and not feel like he needs to stop a genocide or he can dismiss Israel’s propaganda and then he would have to care and allow the pain in. It’s easier to see kids being blown up and not care and go: yes, but this, or yes, but that.’
‘That or he just really doesn’t care.’
‘Could be. Or maybe I am the problem. What does Gaza have to do with my marriage? I mean, being someone’s husband doesn’t involve having the correct moral insight about a war thousands of miles away, no? Maybe it shouldn’t matter.’
‘I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I’ve never been married and am not planning to change that any time soon.’
‘Could we change the subject though?’
‘Sure, what would you like to talk about?’
‘Something fun.’
‘Okay. Do you know what kokology is?’
‘Nope. Never heard of it. What is it?’
‘It’s a Japanese science that translates as the language of the heart.’
‘How does it work?’
‘Close your eyes. Now imagine you’re walking in a forest.’
‘Yes.’
‘And you spot a house with a garden. In the garden is a cherry tree.’
‘Ok.’
As Allan was taking her through some kind of mental test Linda felt, for the first time in a long, long time, how she was exactly where she wanted to be.
5.
‘Is there an obstacle between you and the cherry tree? Like a fence or a wall?’
‘A very low stone wall maybe.’
‘Could you step over this wall?’
‘If I wanted to, yes. It’s maybe 20 inches.’
‘Ok, do you want to eat some of the cherries.’
‘Yes.’
‘How many?’
‘Many. I eat till I can’t anymore, till I feel am about to burst.’
‘Ok, now the owner of the house and the cherry tree spots you. He rushes out the door and points a shotgun at you. What do you say in your defense?’
‘Sorry, I know it’s terrible what I did, but I was starving. Really starving.’
‘Ok, you walk away. How do you feel about the whole experience?’
‘Sad about stealing the man’s cherries, but also strangely happy, because they were really good cherries and the man will survive.’
Allen nods and contemplates her answers.
‘So now what? You’ve figured out am a total psychopath?’
‘I will simply tell you what it means according to kokology. The bigger the obstacle between you and the cherry tree the less likely it is you will cheat on your partner. The more cherries you eat, the more your desires and needs are unfulfilled. Your reaction to the man with the shotgun is what you basically say when you are caught having an affair. What you think walking away is how you would feel about having had an affair.’
‘I feel a little naked now’, said Linda and she ordered more wine.
6.
‘Stop watching the Kim Iversen show! She’s filling your head with Jew hatred!’
‘You mean facts. And she’s interviewed Jews. She had a Zionist on last week. She approached this topic with an open mind years ago, she travelled to Palestine and she’s concluded Israel is committing genocide. Nothing to do with Jew hatred. If I opposed Belgian King Leopold’s exploitation of the Congo in the 19th century would you have called me a hater of all Catholics?’
‘Belgians are Catholics? They’re protestants.’
‘No, they are not, Mark.’
‘Well, sorry, but frankly, I don’t care. They can worship a pagan God in the shape of a gigantic French fry with mayonnaise on top. Why the hell do we need to have political discussions? We could be out hiking or cycling. Or, God forbid, have sex this Sunday afternoon like all normal couples!’
‘If it’s not important to you then why do you go on Twitter to voice your support for Israel?’
‘Because I don’t want terrorism to spread.’
‘And I don’t want child killing to become fashionable. Why is what one side does terrorism and when the other side does a thousand times worse it’s somehow not terrorism?’
‘Because Israel is a state and the Palestinians aren’t even a real people.’
‘Are you bonkers? People who are citizens of a state can kill, but others cannot? How does that make any sense?’
‘Linda, again, why do we need to talk about this?’
‘Because am sharing my life with a supporter of bombing women and children!’
‘That’s my fault? Go ask your Hamas friends to not start wars!’
‘They are not my friends and the war did not start on October 7th. How many times do I need to tell you this?’
‘Linda, seriously, is this still about Palestine or is something else going on?’
‘To be honest, am seeing more and more how you are a very closed-minded person who often thinks he knows everything about everything even though he makes no effort at all to really get to the bottom of any issue.’
‘Nobody is paying me to read books about your precious Palestine!’
‘No, but nobody is paying you to support Israel just because either. You’re biased and you won’t recognize how biased you are or why you are biased.’
‘And you are not biased?’
‘I question my beliefs all the time. I admit I don’t know everything. And so does Kim Iversen by the way.’
‘You should have married her then.’
‘Now you’re being pathetic.’
‘What do you want me to do, Linda? Travel to Gaza and interview every Palestinian? Infiltrate Hamas and write a 600 page book? Why can’t I have my opinion?’
‘You can have your opinion, but it drives me up the wall you can be so sure about your opinion when it doesn’t come from studying the issue. It’s because you enjoy having that opinion. Your opinions function like a comfy blanket to keep you happily careless!’
‘I don’t even know what you’re saying anymore. I doubt you do yourself.’
‘Am going to stay with my mother for a while. Think things over.’
‘What the hell? Because of Palestine? Have you completely lost your mind?’
And so at 34 Linda slept in her old room in her mum’s house. A room she hadn’t slept in since her student days. Her mum had never changed a thing about it.
Linda wondered who that girl had been who put a poster of Nelson Mandela on the wall and listened to Joni Mitchell on Vinyl and who still had a half read book called Freeing the World to Death: Essays on the American Empire by William Blum on her night stand. Why would a girl like that end up marrying a guy like Mark?
7. ‘Leaving your husband is the most bad ass pro-Palestinian thing I have ever seen anyone do and I have some pretty radical friends.’
On the morning before yet another Palestine Solidarity March Linda went to a flea market with Allen.
‘To be perfectly candid with you, why are you so interested in my husband? I thought you fancied me when we first met. Maybe I was wrong.’
‘Maybe I don’t want to fall in love with a married women, who is going to take the edge off of her midlife crisis by having an adventure with someone see sees as non-conformist and then after she’s had her fun runs back to her boring, but safe, relatively wealthy husband.’
She didn’t respond, but her face said enough. So he said: ‘Sorry that sounded way more rude than I intended. It’s just my fear and insecurities talking.’
‘The great Allen has insecurities?’
‘Tons.’
‘You don’t come across as insecure. You come across as somehow who’s figured it all out.’
‘Am a child of my time. Even though I disagree with the values of capitalism, the capitalist messaging that’s in everything and is willy nilly being repeated by everyone has me in its clutches as well.’
‘And in human speak?’
‘When I look at my paycheck I feel like a total loser.’
‘I’ve never cared much for money. If you have a dollar more than you need you are rich.’
‘You see, rationally I agree with that statement, but emotionally I still feel like a loser.’
‘And how much money would it take for you to stop feeling like a loser.’
‘Several million dollars, I guess.’
‘What you’re feeling can’t be about money. Maybe you have some deeper issue driving that feeling of insecurity. To make you certainly don’t come across as a loser.’
‘Well, most days it bothers me only a little bit, I can rationalize myself out of it.’
‘And I do understand you can’t fully open up to me, since am married. And since am all messed up. My life should be like a neatly folded stack of clothes safely tucked away in a closet, ready to be worn for sensible activities, like work and a night at the theatre.’
‘Sounds dreadfully boring to me.’
‘Maybe I am dreadfully boring. Do you know I’ve never left the country?’
‘What has that got to do with being boring. Some of the most travelled people I know are so boring having to listen to them talk must be worse than water boarding.’
She spotted a tin plaque with the face of Che Guevara for 5 dollars. She squatted and took a closer look.
‘You see, when I see his face I feel inspired. But I don’t know if he is really someone to be admired or just another asshole. And I know I can find books to make the case of both points of view. And on another level I wonder if it even matters or has any relevance and I have my priorities completely backwards.’
‘I think it matters to you and it’s ok that it matters. So give in to your curiosity. Read books with both perspectives and make up your mind then.’
‘Yes, but I have the same internal struggle with a million topics and I have only 24 hours in day and Mark is right in one thing. We don’t get paid to read books to help us make sense of the world.’
‘That’s what I meant by capitalism being a part of us all. This idea that something is only worth doing if it leads to money, especially if it’s something that requires a lot of discipline.’
‘Am I not to old for you?’, she asked.
‘So you’re thinking about you and I giving it a shot?’
‘I don’t know. Part of me is thinking about retraining as a nurse and moving to Gaza. So maybe I truly have gone over the deep end.’
‘I think this genocide has just triggered you into wondering who you really are. Maybe it’s doing that with everyone who is able to be curious and honest about one’s self.’
She touched his hand briefly and then said she had to go.
‘I have promised Mark I would call him before I went to the protest. He’s really freaking out since I moved to my mum’s place.’
‘Understood.’
‘See you at the protest?’
‘See you at the protest.’
Allan felt like he was going to end up hurt worse than ever and should cut his losses and never see her again.
8.
Three weeks later Linda agrees to see Mark on ‘neutral grounds’. They go and walk around a little lake in town.
‘Have you calmed down a bit?’, asks Mark.
‘You should really take some course in communication, Mark.’
‘Why? Just because I can’t say anything right to you doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with my communication skills. I never have communication problems at work.’
‘That’s because you only communicate about invoices and tax legislation at work, Mark. Not much need for tact or nuance there.’
‘You know, am done taking your little attacks. I have also been doing a lot of thinking and you never support me. You always kinda scoff at everything I do. Like a month ago when Luke and Mayleen came over. I pour them shots of a very rare rum and you say they can get a bottle at Walmart’s if they like it.’
‘So? I don’t think you’re a rum connaisseur. In fact, your whole passion for rum started when you watched Pirates of the Carribean in college. You think you’re Jack Sparrow when you sip rum.’
‘That’s ridiculous. I know a lot about rum.’
‘How, Mark, tell me, how do you know a lot about rum? How many books have you read on rum?’
‘What is it with you and books? People can only know something if they’ve read a book on the subject?’
‘Fine. How many rum distilleries have you visited?’
‘Am planning to.’
‘Do you think a rum connaisseur is planning to visit rum distilleries or do you think a rum connaisseur has in fact visited several rum distilleries?’
‘Ok, fine. Then am not a rum connaisseur. Who cares? You don’t even drink rum! Why should it matter to you?’
‘It’s the posing, Mark. It’s the superficiality. It’s the blowing your own horn. These silly ways of trying to make yourself interesting. If you want to make an impression on people then put in the work. Go to rum distilleries. Talk to experts. Launch your own rum brand. Something. Do something that makes it real.’
‘But I don’t care that much about rum. I like rum, but it’s not my life, you know.’
‘It doesn’t have to be rum. I don’t care about rum. Just take something and before you brag about it or pretend you know all about it go all the way and make it your own.’
‘So you want me to become an authority on some topic?’
‘No, you don’t have to. But don’t pretend. You don’t care about most things, Mark. You scratch the surface of things. That’s fine. You’re not a bad person. It just bugs me.’
‘Sounds like you want me to admit that am an arrogant airhead.’
‘Am sorry.’
‘I don’t think you should stay with a man you have such a low opinion of.’
‘You don’t have such amazing esteem for me either, Mark.’
‘Every time you say my name now it sounds like you’re correcting a dumb kid.’
‘Sorry.’
‘I think we’re hitting a wall here. Maybe we shouldn’t drag this out.’
‘Maybe not.’
‘Is it that Allan guy?’
‘No, it’s not. Allan has kinda ghosted me. We haven’t been in touch for over two weeks. And that’s ok. Am not going to jump into a new relationship. I realize I need to get to know myself better first. Things have been bothering me for years and I didn’t even know it. And it’s true I often showed contempt for you. It was in little things, but I admit it was there. And that’s because I don’t know about everything I value and how much I value it. But am sure I value depth, detail, nuance, authenticity, dedication.’
‘And yet you wasted nine years on a windbag like me who doesn’t know anything in detail except for the intricacies of corporate tax.’
‘It’s important work.’
‘It’s not what you admire, if you’re honest.’
‘It’s all my fault, really. I should have done some more growing up before I settled down and got married.’
‘At least we don’t have kids.’
‘That is fortunate, yes. It’s also a sign we knew we weren’t right for each other.’
‘What I don’t get, is that this whole mess about Israel and Palestine triggered this. I don’t get why that matters so much to you. You have no personal connection to this topic in the slightest. It feels so random for me.’
‘You forget that you commented on this issue with way more emotions than on most other political issues too. For me it’s simple. Someone who loudly and proudly sides with Israel lacks empathy and hasn’t studied the issue. Which points to arrogance and laziness. Those are horrible qualities. I would have to have extremely low self-esteem to put up with that.’
‘Am arrogant and lazy to you? I lack empathy?’
‘Yes.’
‘I actually don’t know why am not getting angry with you for saying such awful things to me.’
‘Am hoping that’s because you realize I could be right and you need to do some soul-searching too.’
‘You’re making my world come crashing down, Linda. Do you know that?’
‘How was I your world, Mark? What did we really do together? We’ve been roommates for years.’
‘We did plenty of things together.’
‘Yes, like roommates.’
‘Can’t we work on our relationship?’
‘No, it’s too late for that. I’ve distanced myself too much. I don’t want to go back to the past.’
‘It’s like you’re a completely different person. You’re so cold all of a sudden.’
‘Am not being cold. Am giving you the gift of clarity. I want you to move on too. Am convinced you can find someone who will be a much better fit for you. Trust me, am doing you a service here. You’re still young. You can have a far, far better life, in a year, in six months even. You’ll be thanking me then.’
‘I feel like our marriage is another victim of the Israel-Palestine conflict.’
‘It’s the only victim I won’t mourn.’
She quickly added: ‘Sorry, that was really harsh. I think we both gave each other a lot, really a lot. And in college, with all our friends around us, we had heaps of fun. I’ll always cherish those times. But this marriage has been on life support for quite a while. It’s time for something new. And I am truly sorry am hurting you, but it’s for the best. I think we should say goodbye now’
‘I really did love you, Linda.’
‘And I loved you, Mark. I really did.’
‘Goodbye.’
‘Goodbye.’
Linda felt all the colors returning to the world as she was walking away. She doesn’t know where all her firmness is coming from. There were moments during the conversation she felt like some inner spokesperson had taking over and Linda was waiting inside for the end of the talk.
She is in a hurry. Her flight to Tel Aviv leaves in three hours.
By tonight she should be in Hebron.
She wants to see everything with her own eyes.
She swears to never spread an opinion on a topic she doesn’t fully understand.
For Linda, the real Linda, a human’s life is committed journey to understand as much as possible of the human experience or nothing at all.
The Confessor 