1. Put Israel first and suck up to it in public every chance you get. This will do wonders for your campaign funding

2. Invoke God a lot

3. Memorize the five essential platitudes and spit them out in a triggerhappy Clint Eastwoodian voice. They go a bit like: ‘America is the greatest nation on earth’, ‘we will defend our freedoms’ (meaning we will defend the freedoms of our billionaires, but ssssshhh), ‘our policies will benefit the middle class’, ‘we fight for our American values’ (always strongly suggest those American values are under perpetual attack), add some bullshit about ‘thoughts and prayers’ whenever there is a mass shooting (every other day), you know, yadeyadeyade

4. Get the credit card companies, big pharma, Wall Street, Mark Zuckerberg, and weapon producers on your side. State publicly that you will fight their excesses. Say privately you won’t change a damn thing.

5. Talk bullshit about kicking ass and how you are going to win and destroy some enemies. Just pick some group to attack. Americans feel rather powerless, so they need a leader talking about crushing others. Helps them feel strong. The US cutthroat corporate climate turns everyone into an emotional cripple. Give them something to root for. Declare war on something, someone, anything.

6. Look vigorous at all times and do a little run where other people would walk. Look energetic. Smile a lot. Especially in the unlikely event a journalist asks you a profound question. Learn to never answer a question, by the way. Just ramble on about something vaguely related to the question. It’s called ‘pivoting’.

7. Whenever you speech just point at random individuals in the crowd. It’s supposed to make people feel like you care about them or that they are running the show or some such nonsense the gullible crave so desperately.

Enjoy your wild ride and hire someone to ghostwrite a biography of you where you make it appear as if you grew up poor and you are a prime example of someone fulfilling the American Dream through sheer force of will and incredible hard work.