It’s 6 am. I have been out to do my daily chin ups or whatever they are called at the nearest playground.

I haven’t eaten anything ‘bad’ since last Friday. I consider one Friday a month as a cheat day, but even then I don’t go overboard. I can’t wait for this puffiness in my face to melt awaay, but I fear that the fat that bothers me the most is gonna stick to me like General Grant on General Lee. And then those hellish acne scars which effectively destroyed my confidence 25 years ago.

My student – who is actually a dear friend – likes to take me out and then he approaches every woman he finds attractive. Personally I think this is something that may have worked until about 12 years ago. Dating has changed and women have become much more picky, selective and a lot less open to adventure. Women have become very, very serious. So I watch him do it and from the first second of their interaction I can tell you if it’s gonna go somewhere or not. He’s unstoppable and IS very good at starting those conversations. But then it goes nowhere. Because this is just not a setting that women trust or feel comfortable with. And they do know what’s going on. And they don’t need this in their life, though it may be flattering.

The whole circus of watching him do this opens the flood gates in my head and I start thinking waaaay too much about what I could do to be with my dream woman. And nothing really comes. And the next day I look up what needs to be done to apply for euthanasia in Belgium, cause I hate my life and myself and our culture and a lot of people so much that that I want out, I want out, I want out, I Want Out, let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out, make it fucking stop.

PS

I only ever approach women who blow me away. I just know it from the first second I see them. This serial approaching my student does, may be the right thing for him, but for me it’s just a distraction. I don’t mind talking to him in between his charges, but that’s all it is for me, supporting a friend. And on a mental level it’s not that great for me. As you can see. It just makes visions of my dream woman even more painful