It’s easy to focus on all the things that cause me to feel dissatisfied. Some of them can’t be changed no matter what I do. And some could possibly be changed, but I just don’t find the will power to do so. Which means that I don’t believe it will fix things if I do change them. Lack of motivation = lack of belief that something will benefit you.
So here are some uplifting things. I could call them things that for a moment make me forget I live with a dagger in my heart, and one in my stomach and one in my genital area. Sorry, but it’s hard to describe the prevalent mood I have when am alone and not working.
1. Some of my lessons are really very cosy. Some students make remarkable progress. We sit, we talk, we read something good, we exchange, we share. I pour them a beer, or some tea, offer some food. At times like that I feel like am in land that only exists in fairy tales.
In the picture you can see where the magic happens.
2. I make green tea with loose leaves. I don’t bother to measure the quantity. I just use a bunch. I also reuse the leaves several times. This makes every cup different. Sometimes it tastes fantastic. Because of the element of randomness it doesn’t happen often. When it does it’s a nice moment.
3. When I get nervous I want to go to the supermarket. Seeing that I can buy food for my family reasures me. I have a huge money trauma. I am every day truly deadly afraid I will not have money. I shop with a backpack. Always. Cause I don’t have a car. Spending money on a car strikes me as utter insanity. So carrying a full backpack home fills me with joy every time. My family won’t go hungry!
I overdo it and Zuzi is always trying to prevent me from going to the supermarket too many times.
With my kind of trauma I would easily start hoarding.
Am still too sane to buy a plot of land and start building a nuclear shelter though.
But I do give it some thought from time to time.
I just don’t want my son to have a father actively preparing for some apocalyps.
Which takes me to point 4.
4. Any sign that my son is having a care free childhood!!!!!!!!!!
5. Sometimes I remember a funny thing from a time when my life was still filled with humor. Life and the people in it have become far too serious and fragile to laugh much nowadays. And it’s not just me who has changed. I find people are a lot more serious than when I was younger, this applies for both the young and the old people I know. It’s partly painful to remember those moments, because they remind me of a lighter time, but it can also still make me laugh. Even out loud sometimes.