I used to run 36 kms per week, rain or shine. At 6 am, or at 4 am or at 11 pm. In the broiling heat, in the snow, in a storm so strong my mouth kept filling with water. I went everywhere on my bike. I was fast. Even my dad, not always too generous with compliments, said so.

When I had sex with my girlfriends we banged for hours, I had three or four or more orgasms a day. Quite often I would write or study or talk to people all night and still run 12 kms in the morning. Sometimes I got so drunk I couldn’t walk anymore and had to crawl down stairs to make it home. I would wake up in my own vomit, and yet, get up relatively fresh and go eat pizza for breakfast with a friend. I would have two or three girlfriends and be smoking waterpipe with a fourth who considered me her back up boyfriend.

These days I sometimes go to bed at 20.30, when I take the stairs to the 9th floor am completely out of breath and I have to cancel dates with women cause am too tired and too overwhelmed.

So what happened?

  • Was it my years of abusing coffee? Did 4 liters or more a day of quaffing the black pond burn through my adrenal glands turning me into a zombie? Is there no way back? I have been clean for almost a year now, why don’t my energy levels return back to normal? Am less depressed, because am less exhausted, but still. My skin is improving though. I’m pissing less nutrients.
  • Years of financial stress?
  • Years of feeling like a faillure?
  • The incredibly frustrating experience of working for a sluggish, petulant, incestuous communist party?
  • Too many changes?
  • The loss of motivation when my father died? There’s like nobody left to try and impress
  • The realization that no matter what I do am never going to be special?
  • The realization that no matter how many times I point out cases of US imperialism nobody cares anyway?
  • Tired of fighting closed-minded anti-sexual morals?
  • I quit alcohol on the 15th of November, but perhaps the damage has been done. There were summers I was drunk almost every day. Maybe the body never fully recuperates.
  • Maybe it’s because am surrounded by people who are not really on my frequency
  • Maybe am not as angry as I used to be. Back in 2005 a psychological test pointed out that I saw myself as a red blunt murder weapon. I very much doubt I would get just a violent result if I could take the same test today. But anger does give a lot of energy.
  • Maybe I have experienced everything I wanted to experience at least once
  • Maybe am just getting old.

Whatever the reason I miss running 12 kms and being hypnotized by my feet hitting the ground, I miss feeling alive and not like a zombie creep when I talk to women, I miss jumping out of bed and feeling like I could change the world.