First of all, am getting tired of seeing people thrown in the same box as somebody like Harvey Weinstein.
Harvey Weinstein and Morgan Freeman are NOT accused of the same transgressions. Has anyone noticed how we’ve come to label everything ‘sexuam harrassment’ and don’t see any nuance? There are fifty shades of sexual harrassment.
What Morgan Freeman did – it’s reasonable to assume it’s true – is not cool. He tried to lift up a woman’s skirt, he rubbed women’s shoulders longer than they liked, and he made so many comments on the clothes of women he worked with that they started dressing very conservatively when they knew he was going to be around. Not cool.
But he’s not being accused of violently raping women like Harvey Weinstein. There’s a huge difference. Our outrage should be different too. It’s simply not the same.
It’s like asking the same jail time for someone who slapped you in the face and someone who blew a hole in you with a shotgun… Big difference…
Having said that…
I’m no Harvey Weinstein. Since rape is not really about sex, but more about feeling power, dominating, etc, I have no taste for it whatsoever. I enjoy sex, sort of – not always – and it makes me feel like I am coming alive, it boosts my creativity, but I get those nice benefits only from consensual sex.
However… I do tend to tell women I find attractive that they are attractive. I even tend to tell them in elaborate ways, even in written form, even when they are my students or co-workers. I assume most find this pleasant and I do notice that the fun wears off for them if I do it too much, at which point I stop.
Ten years ago I acted in a lot of plays and there were three actresses that I touched for longer than I should have. I wish to apologize for that. These women never accused me of anything, but perhaps that’s because I’m not famous. I didn’t touch them in intimate areas, but I rubbed their shoulders too long, just like Morgan Freeman. There were other women who didn’t mind at all and welcomed touching and eventually sex. It’s not always so clear when you can touch someone and when not. In those three cases the touching was also part of the scene, but still. I’m not entirely sure if they found it as unpleasant as I think, but it could be. I saw their discomfort and I stopped.
Would these women come forward and remind me of these situations in the media if I were as famous as Morgan Freeman? Would the media go hunting for these stories? I do believe that in some cases the media actively hunt for these stories. In the case of a Belgian tv maker, Bart De Pauw, people reported that the media put pressure on them to also accuse him of harrassment after some of this female co-workers had done so. Given how the media works, I’m sure that’s also part of it. A lot of these stories are real, but perhaps some come forward because these stories sell. Especially now the lines have blurred. I see people putting nasty comments online about Morgan Freeman, and from the tone of those you would think he’s a mass rapist. That’s not to say his behavior was ok, he should have kept himself in check. I wonder if he had a good friend in his environment who, in private, scolded him for his behavior. Perhaps he really didn’t realize what the impact of his actions were. We should tell each other what we don’t like, I think this could prevent a lot. Often we take a mental note of something we hated, but we don’t confront the person doing it. Of course, this becomes much harder if the person causing you discomfort is your boss or someone who can influence your career. Sexual harrassment has a lot to do with power, and not just with sex.
I hope this confession of mine encourages others to think of their own behavior, I hope it helps people to speak up about what they don’t like, instead of suffering in silence, and I hope we can make a very clear distinction between rape and other forms of sexual harrassment like commenting on someone’s looks.
What have I changed about my own behavior? I don’t touch anymore, unless I know for sure that the touching is welcome, and I still tell the women I like that they are beautiful, but not endlessly, and when I see they don’t like it (not responding, avoiding eye contact, closed body language) I stop telling them things like that.
I’m a firm believer in the positive power of flirting. It’s just that we need common sense, responsibility and a willingness to really check if your flirting signals are welcome or not.
Project authenticity 
I have been keeping up with the recent, as well as, the past accusations, allegations and convictions regarding inappropriate behavior towards the female gender.
I can remember hearing my father and my mother arguing many years ago about chivalry.
My father sort of shut my mother down by responding to her emasculating comment that he wasn’t a man because he didn’t open the door for her, but only seconds after she had refused his offer of holding the door open. So, he didn’t do it or offer to do so after that for a long time, as I remember.
Later, she very sweetly, seductively stated, ‘ Honey, why don’t you hold the door open for me anymore, why don’t you offer to carry things for me anymore?” He said, dear when I think I am trying to be not just a gentlemen or be manly or simply just be your helpful husband, depending on your mood, I might get my head bitten off for
being gentlemanly, manly or even for being your husband.
Now, for me and especially here, in the Slovak Republic, I have met a few Feminists. I am open minded as you have read a few times from me but now I am confused, discouraged and quite frankly dumbfounded.
Here, in the Slovak Republic, where the gender roles are clearly acknowledged and adhered to regarding how a man and woman should behave, traditionally.
I have come from a country where sexual harassment laws are in place in the workplace quite strictly. It can be defined as any unwanted or perceived inappropriate act towards a woman or man AND if another employee perceives or feels uncomfortable with a particular act of touch, words spoken or look can file a formal complaint.
I am so lost as to what women want, don’t want, used to want and so on. A compliment can be taken as sexual harassment(or is that when they don’t like the look of the person that compliments them). I have ensconced myself in a position of distance from the possibility of a false accusation; I will not have any professional meeting or otherwise in my office alone with ANY female colleague and male for that matter or at least not with the door closed. I will not approach any female on the street nor will I look at them to make eye contact and I’ll never compliment them on any attire. But why do they dress so nice to not be COMPLIMENTED? I didn’t say be cat-called or wolf-called; a compliment. Why do they make themselves look beautiful to not be COMPLIMENTED?
So, are they searching for compliments from other women? Is that the safe way now?
Then what is this waiting until the right time to reveal the infraction? When someone is famous or has money to sue over, seemingly?
This is serious and it is something that once the accusation has been placed on you it is like posting photos on the internet; it’s there for good.
Similarly, women who vindictively threaten husbands and fathers that if they leave them or don’t do what the woman wants, she blatantly states, ” If you/if you don’t, I’ll tell sby. that you did something inappropriate to our child.” You’ll never see your child again and so on. BTW, there is a female judge in the USA, who strongly chastises women who take men to family court for child support but think THEY have the right to NOT allow the FATHER to see his children. It is not right or legal and she has fined and educated women on the law. Men need to know that we have legal rights not set by the mother of our children.
There is a saying about, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Yes, there is; A man who has been on the receiving end of that scorned woman (me). Scorned just means pissed off because I didn’t get my way so now I’ll make YOUR life hell. That was a malicious decision on her part. But great! You found out exactly who you married and you find out exactly who she is. Here is a hint: a woman knows when a man knows her intent, when he knows her seduction is fake. And it pisses them off when their magical charm no longer works because he begins to see through her and past her facade. That renders her powerless to be angry or damaging toward you.
The if I may, William, I wonder how many times have you been labeled or accused of being sexist, or something similar due to your topics at times, i.e., How to make a vagina soaking wet? ( wash it ) or How do you know if a women is turned on (you smell it) but Don’t send dick pics to women,(send ass pics , instead ) etc. You know I am being Tyler Durden-ish and not being on attack mode. But you see my point.
What do we do for our protection, too?
Then, I know women do consider us weak, they do consider us a bit stupid at times and we confirm it for them time and time again. If a woman we meet even on a one-night stand says it’s OK to NOT wear a condom I’m on the pill, we as men will not think twice about it we’ll just go for it raw. Then she gets pregnant. She wanted to be. Now, she has you trapped. Now we say, “You said you were on the pill?” That moment of raw, pure, unprotected, and too easy of a lay has turned into a minimum of 21 year payment and her saying when you can and cannot see your child.
Bottom line is if a woman targets you, If she wants you. She’ll let you know. I do not
believe all the women who accuse men are victims(Ohhhh, I’ll get in trouble). We as men display a desperation for pussy and a display of weakness for pussy only because we don’t want people thinking we are not men. We are men but can we be smarter men as being a man is more than pants and penis and what our homies think.
TD
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Wonderful comment. Would like to know what kind of job you have, if you’d be willing to share that info
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